the lucky one

what to say...hard day. feeling a ton...not sure how to express it. my mind feels cloudy, my heart feels sad...

the morning started off early at the “future school” which supports autistic and handicapped children. they were warm and welcoming and seemed very happy to include us in their games. one girl in particular was extremely affectionate and we laughed while dancing and twirling around the courtyard. as i was leaving a shy boy with glasses grabbed the program director miss hang and wouldn’t let go until she reassured him that i was coming back.

we had lunch at the most gorgeous vietnamese restaurant and then i met an older couple from vancouver island. i am hoping they will adopt me for christmas day :) we said goodbye to one volunteer as he was heading back to thailand for christmas. it was sad to see him go as we shared a lot in the four days i’ve been here.

the afternoon was spent back working with the disabled and victims of agent orange at the orphanage. this has been my favorite project and i hope to spend most of my time there next week.

but it was tough. and i broke down a bit after. and i don’t know what to say. i want to do more. but i can’t. i came home and had the longest...hottest...shower. i had no appetite at dinner and felt pretty detached during a game of pool. i just keep seeing the 18 year old boy i spoon-fed who lies in his crib all day and all night.

i am having mixed feelings about writing this blog. and the comments i have been getting. it’s not about me being this great person. it’s about the kids. they are the great people. i am the lucky one. this is about their lives and the small moments in time i can share with them. i just had a dream and decided to follow it.

i have been second guessing everything i write here. am i being too bleeding heart? are the accounts of my experiences too superficial and simple? i don’t know. i don’t know much. all i know is that i am being honest. and the children looked at me and smiled today.

one thing i am certain. i really love these kids. and will have trouble sleeping tonight because i am too excited with the anticipation of seeing them again.